The Father's Son
By Carlos Dawson

Psalms 2:7: “I will proclaim the decree of the LORD: He said to me, "You are my Son; today I have become your Father.” The Son is Jesus Christ. But we who are in Christ are also sons and daughters of the Most High. And that’s who I am. My adoption occurred when I was 12 – the day of my salvation. I desired to be about my Father’s business even though I didn’t have much idea of what that meant. I wanted to be like Jesus. I had no clue where that decision would take me. I reminisce on the journey -- ups and downs, and victories and falls – and I see an amazing work of God who started the work and promises to complete it. That’s my Father’s blessing to me, His son whom He loves. His son on whom His favor rest.

Most of my life I looked for a father and male affirmation. I have an earthly father. I have two older brothers. I’m the youngest of four children. I had male role models in my community. None of it was enough though. My dad intimidated me. My brothers humiliated me. My dad shamed me. I rejected them. School became a nightmare – “queer,” “fag,” “gay” – words were associated with my name.

Dear Jesus, “I just want a good day.” Relief was only here and there.

So I began to lock myself away in my mind.

I fantasized about the men I saw on TV or anywhere -- what it would be like if they protected, encouraged or just listened to me? By the time I hit puberty those feelings became perverted. I began to accept the curses spoken to me. And my life would spiral down and take me to a place of destruction – a prison of anger, pain, isolation, secrecy, deception, control and fear. For years to come, each act of lust put a shackle on my soul. Each time I masturbated, indulged in pornography or consented to same-sex contact, one more bar went up. One more whip into the submission of death itself.

But in the midst of it, I cried out. I cried out multiple times. He heard me. He guided me to CrossOver. I heard for the first time -- A relationship with God Himself – what’s that? I tried Him and He touched me. If only I had been more honest. A gay relationship found me. Manipulation and obsession choked the life out of me. So I went into solitary confiment until nothing could cover up the pain anymore.

So I return to CrossOver. I stumbled and fell as I was leaving the dungeon. A miracle was in the midst – a day of sobriety here; a month of freedom there. I found support from those further along in their restoration.

The affirmation came. I’m a pastor.

The vision came. Relocate.

I found myself in Seminary. I’m getting equipped for the ministry. More importantly. I’m being transformed. I’m connecting with my Kingdom brothers. How good and pleasant as we walk together in unity. Embraced by The Trinity.

“Welcome home, son.”

“Come up higher. Help those who hurt. Help those who are broken. Give them hope. Sing for the Lord. Lead others to His Throne.”

Graduation. But physical pain knocked on the door. I didn’t understand what was going on. So it’s time for a Crossroads. I struggle. I fall. I keep the secret. But I miss the men of God. I want that more. That means more. So I confess. I get disciplined. Character and integrity is what’s necessary to go further.
God whispers “Come closer.”

So then the turn begins. I begin to know Him. I begin to let others know me. I get to go deeper with Him. I go deeper with others. The Spirit within moans -- a prayer request gets answered.

He called me out of bondage. I’m working it out.

My reward: God Himself. Extra bonus: Brothers and sisters who love me and I can love them. I connect with them. I have Kingdom Community. I get to help others along the way.

What a privilege to be apart of God’s healing, delivering and salvation work. Many reside in the jail that I left. My transformation wasn’t for me. It was for all of you too. I’m coming. For those still bound.

This is His business.
I’m his son
He sent me to you.
“Let my people go” (Exodus 8:1).