A Woman’s Journey Out of Lesbianism 

Most of my life has been in bondage. A life filled with alcohol, drugs and homosexuality. I was a Lesbian for 25 years. From the age of six till about 20 I was sexually abused. The last time I was abused I was in the hospital in traction and a physical therapist abused me. I started drinking alcohol when I was 12 years old. At the age of 19 I got involved with my first Lesbian relationship. In 1986 I joined the Army. The Army was a great place for an alcoholic like me. While in the Army I did all the drugs I said I would never do like, acid, coke, crystal myth and crack cocaine. In 1990 I got clean and sober, yet still living the Lesbian lifestyle. When I was 30 I had a psychiatrist tell me I just needed to accept that I was a lesbian because I was born that way. I know today that was a lie straight out of hell. I lived that way for 25 years.

I have had to get to the root of why I made the choices I made throughout my life. There where times I did not think I was going to make it through some of these things, and really I did not make it through them alone God carried me through a lot of those times. God placed people in my life that have walked with me through every step I have had to take. God was and is my refuge in times of trouble. The pain of the past had to be dealt with for me to become free of the effects of it. I had to confess a lot and forgive a lot. Others and I filled my life with lies and deceptions. I had made inner vows that had to be dealt with and loosened. It was time to stand up and take responsibility for the choices I had made throughout my life.

After I started drinking in my early teens, I used guys to get things I wanted like alcohol, money, clothes and whatever I thought I wanted or needed at the time. For a long time I tried to justify my actions by saying I did not know what I was doing. I knew exactly what I was doing. The truth is I was as close to a prostitute as I could get without standing on a street corner. I had made a vow that a man would never treat me the way my father and stepfather treated my mother and myself. In turn I treated men the way I had seen the men in my life treat women. I was married while in the military and I physically abused my husband. I know this man loved me with all his heart, however because the pain of my past I could not give him a chance. I married just for money and to be able to live off post. I pray God will put this man in my life one day so he will know the changes I have made through the Grace of God. I always kept the upper hand with men in my life because I was not going to allow any man to treat me the way I had been treated by men in the past. The thing I see today is they did not have to treat me that way because I was treating myself that way. I set myself up to be hurt by men because of the vows I had made. Today my relationship with the male gender has changed and I do not try to take from them. I have formed some great relationships with men today and thank God for the blessing I receive from these relationships.

My relationship with my mother was hard to deal with. After graduation from high school we were close and then I started dealing with my junk and I got angry and confused. Things started coming back to me and I was going to have to deal with it all to be free to live the life God intended for me. I went to my mother and talked about some things and at first there was denial from her. Then one day she called me and said she wanted to talk to me. She told me things I had been looking for answers to and a great healing took place for us both.

When I was born I was not with my mother for several months because she had a nervous break down and was not able to keep me. The neighbors kept me during this time. My father physically abused my mother the whole time she was married to him. She lost a boy child before I was born. My father wanted a boy so bad when I was born. I saw him blaming my mom for me not being a boy. Throughout my life I heard bits and pieces about this time, however I never knew the truth.

I always felt as a child my mother was not there for me. She and my father divorced when I was around seven years old. When she remarried I felt out of the picture because she and this new man had a daughter and mom had to be there for them. I felt a lot of loneliness as a child, and would try to get my father to come and get me, but he did not want to see me. That just made me feel less wanted. I acted out a lot because of these feelings I was having.

I put some walls up between my mother and I because I was sexually abused at six and told her that I had been playing next door with my clothes off. She was on the phone and told me to go back out and play. When my uncle abused me at thirteen I did not tell her because I did not feel she would hear me again. After that abuse I started acting out a lot and getting into trouble at school. I blamed my mother for everything that was going on in my life, yet I would not let her into my world.

I realize today my mother did the best she could with what she knew at the time. You can’t teach something you where not taught yourself. My mother told me as we were talking that had she known some of the things I had gone through as a child and teenager she would have been there for me. Hearing those words that day meant so much to me and opened the door to a new relationship with my mother. God is doing great things in our relationship today. What was taken from us when I was a child will be restored through God’s love for us. God is healing my whole family through my healing. I am finding things out about my mother’s past I never knew, like how she was brought up. When I got honest about myself with her it allowed her to do the same with me.

I will never forget the day I told my mother I had been delivered from the homosexual lifestyle. My mother started crying and told me she had been praying for me for fifteen years. Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it". My mother did just that for me because I was raised in church and brought up to know Jesus Christ. I was saved when I was nine years old, however I was headed right for hell with the life I was living. So mothers keep praying for your children because prayer works when all else fails.

My relationship with my father was full of put downs and never being good enough for him. I tried all my life to make him happy and for him to be proud of me. He told me over and over I would never be anybody and would never have anything. I believed that for a long time and every time something bad would happen in my life or a set back I would hear my fathers words in my head and think he was right. My Father in Heaven had a different plan for me though and today I am living his plan out instead of mans plan for me. I have to work hard to change those old traits and it is only through God’s grace and the body of Christ that I am able to do that today.

My father is in a nursing home today and through his illness healing has taking place for my sisters and I. It is sad we had to wait till he was sick to hear him say the things we always wanted to hear him say, like he loves us. Today he tells everyone at home that we are his three daughters. There are people in the town we grew up in that never new he had any children. God is never late and he proved it through my father’s illness. It was just as important to hear those words from him that day as it was to us as children. Healing can take place if we just stay open and receive what God has for us today.

The women I chose in my life where women who gave me the emotional fulfillment I did not get at as child. The first woman I was ever with was a savior to me at that time in my life. She was a Christian woman and I had gotten back involved in church and was a Sunday school teacher. My first relationship was not all that sexual because neither of us had been with a woman before. I thought we had a good thing going. Life was going a long good and then my mother introduced her to the man she ended up marrying and that sent me over the edge. I went full force into the lesbian lifestyle. From there I went through life trying to prove to myself and others I did not need anyone and especially men. Of course, I resented my mother for introducing them and put another wall up between us.

Today I know what being with a woman did for me. I was trying to get all the things I did not get while I was a child. The emotional part of my relationships is what I held onto so tight. In a lot of my relationships I was looking for a mother, someone who would take care of me and be there for me when I hurt and was in pain. I wanted a woman to love me and protect me like I felt my mother should have when I was a child. I realize today most of my relationships where just as abusive as my childhood because I never matured and had no idea what love was, how to give it or receive it. I always went into them for all the wrong reasons. The biggest reason was I did not want to be alone. Even though while in them I still felt totally alone and isolated.

Today I know I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Homosexuals say they did not choose to be that way. I too said that until I realized through Jesus Christ we have all kinds of choices. I was delivered from that lifestyle through the blood of Jesus. God has given me Liberty today through Jesus Christ. Isaiah 9:2 "The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined." The Enemy would love for me to continue to walk in darkness. Today I choose to walk in the light of Christ, with my eyes toward God and walk in Liberty and not Bondage. Isaiah 61:1, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." The Enemy set on my heart’s throne for too long, I have kicked him off and put Jesus there. The Enemy would love to keep me down like that little child that was sexually abused so many years ago, however today I am determined through Jesus Christ to have the victory. If I seem proud, I am proud to have the love of my Father in Heaven. Life has not always dealt me the best hands however I have had the greatest hands on me before I was even born. Jeremiah 1:5 " Before I formed you in the womb I knew you: before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." I know without a shadow of doubt God’s hands have been on me through my whole life. I would not be here if that was not so.

It was divine intervention when I walked into the church I call home today. God put the right people in the right place at the right time. I have not always liked the things that I have had to deal with. There have been times I have wanted to run but God always put someone in my path. Today I am becoming the woman God always wanted me to be. There are times I do not do it very gracefully. If you could be there when I try to put pantyhose on you would understand what I mean about being graceful. Today I want to stay open to what God wants for me.