Emotional Situation
By Cindy Mahan

Tuesday, March 16, 2004 is a day I will never forget.  I ended a 21 yearlong relationship with the person I loved so deeply.  I can only hope the pain will lessen for both of us some day.  The fact was two people were divorcing who still loved each other.

I knew when she confronted me the day earlier I had to make a decision.  I realized my struggle between our homosexual lifestyle and God was not only destroying a wonderful relationship but also hurting her deeply.  With the words spoken, there would be no turning back; life would never be the same.  We had had many talks over the last three and a half years and it always came down to the same issue.  I believed homosexuals were going to hell as the Bible states and she believed they would not.  She thought I could change my view but I could not.  I thought I could deal with the situation but I would not be able to.

I grew up in a Christian home going to church any time the door was open but at age 19 I had quit going.  Being in the lifestyle was easier when you did not have to confront the issue.  Besides, I had read the King James Version of the Bible and I could not remember reading anything about the homosexual issue even though my church taught it was wrong. 

During our relationship, church was not a part of our lives during our first 17 years, not because she did not want to go but because I refused to go.  Things changed when we got into a financial mess though.  She asked if we could go to church and this time I gave in and said yes.

It only took a few months of being in church before I needed to know what the Bible said about the subject.  The newer translations are so much easier to read than the old King James Version, half of which I did not understand.  Therefore, I read the NIV Version until I found it.  There it was, black and white, homosexuals will never see heaven.  There was not just one verse there were many and the meaning was obvious, not at all what I had expected to find.  The next three and one half years I lived with a war going on inside me, as I knew it was wrong but continued in the lifestyle. 

We had a wonderful loving relationship doing virtually everything together. If you saw one of us, you saw the other.  This was the way we both wanted life, being together every possible minute.  I had promised to grow old with her and intended to, nothing but death would separate us.  I now realized my struggle was hurting her deeper with every passing day.  How could I allow the person I loved most in this world to go to Hell?  So I said the words I never dreamed of saying, “it’s over” came out of my mouth that night.  I will never be able to describe the excruciating pain I felt as I said those words and seeing the subsequent agony on her face.  It was a sword through my heart; I knew I could never take the words back.

There have been many emotional days since that night; some days I did not think, I would make through.  Nevertheless, I did, one day at a time.  Everyone said it would get easier with time and it has.  Maybe someday, the pain will be gone.