Confession, Repentance, Rededication

I came into this world the second of three girls.  My parents started going to church when I was two years old and shortly afterwards accepted the Lord and were baptized.  They faithfully took their children to church every time the doors were open.  My favorite story for my mother to read me was the story of the Crucifixion from a book of children bible stories.  Each time she read the story tears would stream down my cheeks from the realization of Jesus loving me so much he died for me.  At the age of five and a half, I asked to be baptized but my father felt I was too young to understand and said no.  At age ten, I did give my life to God and was baptized along with my older sister and several friends at a tent revival.

 Church was the center of my family’s life growing up.  My father received a call from God on his life and entered into ministry as a pastor when I was in junior high.  Being a preacher’s kid held us to a standard above everyone else, a standard that seemed impossible to obtain.  Beginning my freshman year of high school, my family moved for the third time.  This time, however, the move was back to our hometown.  My dad got a secular job and we were able to go to our original church.  The church had a great youth program that I became involved in right away.  The next two years I became closer to God than I ever had.  In my sophomore year, my father accepted pastoring another church in a town about 45 minutes away.  After a battle with my older sister, my parents allowed my older sister and I to continue going to our hometown church and my mom and younger sister went with my dad to his new church.

My older sister left for Ozark Bible College as I entered into my junior year of high school.  My parents wanted us all to attend Bible College for at least one year, which prompted a fight with me.  My childhood dream was to become a doctor, a profession that would entail a minimum of eight years and possibly twelve.  I loved God but I felt it would do nothing more than extend my time at college by one year.  This would be the first major fight of many.  My father had asked several times for me to go with them to his church and I had refused.  One evening my father gave me an ultimatum, go to a revival at his church this one night, or I could go to his church all the time.  I had become rebellious over the past few months and an ultimatum made me determined I wouldn’t go.  I did not go.  Now I was required to go to a church exclusively I didn’t want to attend.  I wouldn’t attempt to make friends or become involved at dad’s church in any way.  I was mad at God.  At age sixteen, the downhill spiral began. 

It would only take a few short months for my life to fall to the edge of the pit of Hell.  A twenty four year old woman and I had become close friends.  I had helped bring her to Christ while at my hometown church.  The friendship suddenly changed from friends to homosexual.  The next year or so was nothing less than an emotional roller coaster as suicidal thoughts entered my mind routinely.  There was no one to talk to as I had distanced myself from my old friends at my old church.  I am not sure I could have talked to them anyway after all God condemned this behavior; however, I had read the bible from cover to cover and I didn’t remember seeing anything about the subject.

 The day I turned eighteen was a Sunday and while my parents were at church, I moved my few belongings out of the house.  I moved in with the love of my life at least I thought so at the time.  This increased the already strained relationship with my parents and we hardly talked.  The relationship with this older woman would last only a couple of years, as the emotional abuse would take its toll.  During this time, I dropped out of church completely and vowed never to go to church again.  My mind had drawn the conclusion, I was gay, and I was going to hell.

After the breakup, I decided to go straight.  At age twenty-five, however, I fell in love with a woman the same age as I.  I moved to southern Indiana and our life together began.  We were into the gay scene as we had all gay friends, went to the gay bars, and partied a lot.  Our life together was good by the world’s standards, house, two cars, two jobs, and friends.  We were classified as the perfect couple, not only did we love each other, but we even liked each other.  We did everything together.  We had it all.  Everything was great until we got into financial trouble.

During our seventeen years together she had asked me to go to church, my response always the same, a resounding no.  She tried a different approach this time; she asked if we could watch Joyce Meyer in the morning during breakfast.  I said yes.  We watched her daily and I even looked forward to it.  This continued for a couple of months before she asked me if we should go to church.  This time I said yes.  She was raised Catholic but didn’t want to go to a Catholic church so I picked out four Christian churches for us to check out.  The Christian Church was the church of my youth.  The next Sunday we went to the first on the list, I like it but she wasn’t comfortable with the church.  Therefore, the next Sunday we went to the second church on the list, Greenville Christian Church.  We both liked the church and continued going each Sunday.  We immediately got involved in the church.

 It wouldn’t take six months until I was so convicted I knew I needed an answer to my lifelong question.  Would gays go to hell?  I had such a hunger to find out the truth it would take only a few days to find it in my new bible.  Not just in one place did I find the answer but in several places.  I got out my old King James Version and looked up the scriptures it was not clear in that translation.  No wonder I couldn’t remember reading about it.  Never the less I now had something new to deal with, God loathed homosexuals, and they will never see heaven. 

 I knew when she confronted me the day earlier I had to make a decision.  I realized my struggle between our gay lifestyle and God wasn’t only destroying a wonderful relationship but also hurting her deeply.  With the words spoken, there would be no turning back; life would never be the same.  We had had many talks over the last three and a half years and it always came down to the same issue.  I believed homosexuals were going to hell as the Bible states and she believed they wouldn’t.  She thought I could change my view but I couldn’t.  I thought I could deal with the situation but I wouldn’t be able to.  Now I was asked to make a choice, another ultimatum.  All I could see was her standing in front of Almighty God believing the lifestyle was all right, God saying no it is not and her begging why I had not made her understand.  The only choice was to end the relationship, something I had promised never to do.  I ended our relationship of twenty-one years.