Amazing Love
By Missy Jo Wilson

I first asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and forgive my sins when I was 5 years old and in Sunday school class at Trinity Wesleyan Church.  My church quickly became my “family” and showed me the love of the Father throughout my growing up years.  The people in this church also taught me the Word of God, which established a firm foundation in my heart.  This foundation would prove to be an integral source of truth in my life, because when I was confronted with the struggle of lesbianism, I knew and believed that it was contrary to God’s will for my life.  I knew that it was, in fact, sin no matter how right and sincere it FELT to my starving heart (Jeremiah 17:9).

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where abuse was the norm rather than the exception.  My mother married five times and each man (husband) came into our lives, caused us pain, and then left.  As a result of this, I made inner vows as a young girl about men and women.  One of the inner vows I made was that I would NEVER allow men to use me or hurt me the way that they had hurt my mother and our family.  This is also when I began to unconsciously detach my heart emotionally from men and my mother.  I detached from my mother because she always put her husbands before my emotional needs, even though they were abusing both her and her children.  Also, because of experiencing sexual abuse, I made yet another inner vow about men.  This inner vow sounded something like, “ALL men want from women is sex and they don’t care AT ALL about me.”  These statements seem irrational to me now, but as a hurting, confused child they made perfect sense to my young mind and heart.  This was my reality, my experience with men thus far in life. 

Unfortunately, due to these painful experiences I stopped developing emotionally at a young age.  I was arrested early on in development because my parents did not meet my legitimate, God-given needs for basic trust, security, safety, and love.  I was fortunate enough to be at Trinity Wesleyan Church, though, where it was apparent that they loved the Lord and made Him a priority in their lives.  They also loved me unconditionally and cared for me as their own.  My church was transparent before me too, so I learned that Christians were not perfect but they could have strong Christian relationships (marriage, family) without abusing or hurting each other.  I witnessed strong marriages and saw how other families interacted with one another.  Providentially, this allowed me to see examples of godly men, which contradicted some of the beliefs that my young, wounded heart believed about ALL men.

As a result of these factors, I grew up feeling emotionally drawn to women.  I was not physically attracted to women, though.  Rather, I was physically attracted to men but they were not safe in my mind.  However, I did date boys/men all through junior high, high school, and college.  I attended two Christian universities and was allowed many opportunities to date men with character, who loved the Lord, and who treated me like a lady.  Despite all of these positive relationships with men, I still could not connect with them, emotionally.  I still had a deep inner longing and compelling drive toward unhealthy friendships with women.  My friendships with women are where I seemed to find a sense of deep connection/bonding, at least for a time. 

Throughout my life I felt a profound sense of emptiness and loneliness.  These feelings are somewhat normal, meaning God created us all with a void in our lives that only He can fill.  My void was more profound because my parents did not meet my legitimate emotional needs while I was growing up.  So, I kept searching for someone to love me enough to fill this void in my life.  Women were the only safe option in my mind, although this thought or desire was unconscious.  I did not have an awareness of my search for significance through another woman, until I came to CrossOver Ministries in 1999.  Needless to say, I was disappointed over and over again by women and this realization seemed to magnify the severe sense of disconnectedness I already felt.  The intense feelings of rejection when the friendship had to end because it was unhealthy and/or sexual, only seemed to drive me to go looking for yet another female to meet this profound need, to be significant to someone on this earth.

Although all of my close friendships with women certainly did not end up in lesbianism, a lot of them did have elements of emotional dependency.  Emotional dependency according to author Lori Rentzel occurs when the ongoing presence and nurturing of another is believed to be necessary for personal security.  This nurturing may come in many different forms, such as, affirmation, affection, listening, and/or spending time together. One category of women who are in lesbianism is women, who have not acted out sexually, but have sought completion through an emotional relationship with another woman.  The Father revealed to me that even when I was not “acting out” physically with my female friends, that I was still guilty of idolatry.  Idolatry occurs when we try to put anyone or anything in God’s place…first!  The Father purposely created us with a deep inner void because He intends to be the ONLY One to fill this space.  This God-given void will DEMAND attention.  Beth Moore says in her book, "Breaking Free”, that our craving to be filled is so strong that the moment something or someone seems to meet our need, we feel an overwhelming temptation to worship it.  I believe that I was worshipping my friendships with women because they were meeting my need for connection/bonding and feeling significant to someone on this earth, temporarily.

After being involved with a few different Christian women, emotionally and sexually, I realized that I might have some “issues” that I needed to work through.  Also, the Father again gave me the gift of repentance (after salvation) but with a new depth of awareness and sorrow, this time.  I was disgusted with myself because I had been sinning against my sisters in Christ and against my Father who loved me more than any woman ever could.  I had a Christian friend who was also struggling with this issue and told me about CrossOver.  Also, my Christian counselor who I’d seen in the past told me about the ministry five years previously but my pride prevented me from coming to the ministry then.  I thought that I could deal with it in secret with God.  However, here I was five years later still struggling so I humbled myself and picked up the phone and called the ministry.

Since coming to the ministry the Father has TRANSFORMED my life.  He has been teaching me much about root issues in my life, some reasons why I acted/felt certain ways.  Being at the ministry in this healing journey with the Almighty God has definitely brought seasons of pain/suffering but the pain has been worth it, because God’s unexplainable, indescribable peace comes at the end of each of these seasons.  One of the most significant things the Father has taught me is that it is ONLY His Holy Spirit working in me that is able to obey Him.  The Holy Spirit empowers me to align my will with the Father’s will.  He has also instilled in my very being the truth that He does love me and I am His daughter with a new identity.  This new identity is nothing that I could ever earn or deserve, but rather it too is a GIFT.

My value is forever secure (Romans 5:8).  He will be faithful to complete the good work that He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6) and that it is GOD who is at work in me to will and to do for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13).  These TRUTHS have been so freeing and humbling for me because it is not me who will do anything, but rather it is the Holy Trinity in me.  I constantly cry out to the Father in desperation and beg Him to make me willing to be willing to follow all of His ways and He is always faithful to answer and equip me.  He consistently instills in me the willingness and eventually the desire to follow HIS will instead of my own will.

His amazing love is continually wooing me to know Him and to love Him.  I am learning to walk in my true identity as a godly woman.  He has instilled in me an insatiable hunger to know Him, to obey Him, and to bring Him glory and honor through my life (II Timothy 2:20-21).  I’ve heard it said that salvation is free, but God’s glory (holiness) will cost you everything and by His grace that is the price that I’m willing to pay.  He is all I want and He is ALL I’ve ever needed.  I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of KNOWING Christ Jesus, my LORD (Philippians 3:8).  Amen!