I’m in the eleventh year of this journey with my daughter but more accurately with my God.

My daughter finally admitted she was struggling with SSA (same sex attraction) in her junior year of high school. But I admit I had suspected long before that.  Having it finally “in the open”, at least between us, initiated the long, inevitable journey for my husband and I. I am blessed to be traveling this journey with a wonderful, Godly man but my perspective as a mother with my own brokenness, is slightly different than his a father. Therefore I will share our journey from my perspective.  God has also blessed us with a first born daughter who is precious, compassionate, intelligent and clever and who makes me laugh from my belly, she is the daughter about which I speak.

 Because we have been on this journey many years, some details are fuzzy. It would also be impossible to share many pertinent details due to space constraints. Suffice it to say I have been through very traumatic and difficult times in the relationship with my daughter. But Praise God we are now in a season where our relationship is very good and continues to improve, although I know there is still work to be done on both our parts.

We are blessed that God showed us early on that our role was to love her unconditionally. At times I express this poorly but I have faith that my Abba Father covers my failures with His unfailing love. At times. I still struggle with my desire to accept her unconditionally while I am loving her unconditionally. I, so long to be her greatest advocate in all aspects of her life.  Yet, I cannot do that in the area of her lifestyle while also being true to my Lord and Savior and His truth. This fracture is very painful for me. I am her mother and it seems she should be able to count on that acceptance from ME since she faces so much rejection from the world.  Although this aspect of my journey is still “in progress”, God has been gracious to encourage me and teach me how to express my love toward her better.

 In the beginning I was convinced I had caused the brokenness which led to my daughter’s SSA. This lie was confirmed by my misinterpretation of the content of some books I had read. So I set out to “fix” what I had broken. The weight of the responsibility and false guilt was more than I could bear. I soon discovered what God actually wanted was to “fix” me! God gently and at times not so gently dug in and rooted out my own brokenness.---which I had so neatly tucked away.  My Abba Father revealed in a powerful way to me that my focus must be on allowing Him to work in me and I must turn my precious daughter over to Him. It was at a Crossover workshop that I really began to understand that my Abba Father is also her Abba Father who loves her more than I ever could. This was both a fresh revelation and a healing balm to me.  I still struggle with this concept at times but HE is faithful to remind me that she is HIS daughter and HE is in control.

 Another necessary component in my journey to healing was grieving the loss of the daughter I expected to have including the associated hopes and dreams for her life to which I held so tightly.  This grieving process has been painful yet crucial in my own healing and the healing of the relationship with my daughter.  I have gained the understanding that God’s plans for my daughter are perfect and for her ultimate benefit. I must not waste energy pining over my perceived “losses”.  However I admit this is an ongoing struggle due to my pride and selfishness. But my faith in God’s sovereignty is increasing with each moment.

 There was a time early on that I experienced a period of great confusion in which my faith was badly shaken and completely in question. I nearly turned my back on God. But my heavenly father in His great mercy and grace was patient and through the work of the Holy Spirit he tore down my immature faith and rebuilt it correctly and with a firm foundation.

 If you are a parent reading this you are no doubt experiencing the same hopelessness I have felt at times. It is the single most crippling issue I have encountered on this journey.  Dispelling that hopelessness for other parents is one reason I am writing about my journey.  Participating in a Christian support group, attending Crossover and Exodus workshops and continual prayer have all been crucial in combating these feelings of hopelessness. We spent the majority of these past eleven years battling our struggles in loneliness and seclusion because of our pride and lack of authenticity within our church. I could write a book about what I have learned in this area alone but the short story is that Satan used our pride to keep us in darkness for many years because we would not go to our pastor and church family with this.  And more sadly we deprived ourselves and our daughter of intercessory prayers on our behalf.  Since we have become more open about this issue, prayer has broken many strongholds in my life and the lives of my daughter and her partner.  Finding a body of Christ where I could be transparent was key to removing Satan’s power but I had to make the first effort at transparency. Oh how God blessed us when we stepped out and took the “risk”.

Psalm 46 says “cease striving and know that I am God”.  This translated to me: cease striving so desperately in actions and even in prayer on behalf of my daughter. Oh, I MUST pray continually and diligently but not out of panic, desperation or selfish motivation.; instead with the confidence that my Abba Father has my precious daughter in the palm of His mighty and sovereign hand and I shall not be afraid! When satan, the deceiver, tempts me with the “what ifs?” and the “whys?”, I lay them at my Saviors feet and refuse to dabble in the questions.

My journey is a “work in progress”. My daughter is still in the lifestyle and I fervently pray that she comes to know Christ in the real and intimate way that I do so she will share in His peace.  There are many things I just don’t know or understand but I do know that my God is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.  He is sovereign and loves my daughter unimaginably and wants her in fellowship with Him more than I do.  2 Peter 3:89 states, “But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is slow in keeping His promise as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to come to repentance.”  Based on this fact I will pray until my last breath that He will pursue her to her last breath.

 I long to express to any parent or family member reading this how much our Abba Father seeks to be in an authentic relationship with you. If you are a Christ follower, he most assuredly has a work to do in you in the midst of your journey with your family member.  Throw yourself head and heart into seeking our Saviors face continually. We serve a God who is the ultimate healer—Praise be to God!

 Katrina