Chris' Story

“In that day the Lord will end the bondage of his people.  He will break the yoke of slavery and lift it from their shoulders.” Isaiah 10:27

I was born into a Christian home, in Roanoke, VA, on October 6, 1985.  I remember my childhood being surrounded with girls and women.  There were only girls that lived on our street and my mom’s best friend had three girls.  My “social” life was very much limited to girls back then.  It seemed like my dad worked all the time, and when he didn’t he would choose to sleep or watch television.  Many times my older brother and I would ask him to play ball with us, but he would most often tell us no.  I perceived him as rejecting me and believed that he had more important things to do.

Growing up around women all the time nurtured the feminine attributes that all males have, but it prevented the nurturing of my masculinity.  My father never affirmed me in my masculinity.  My mom would buy me Barbie dolls, and my dad would never question it.  I remember at parties, the women would say that all men were dogs, and not one man in the room challenged that statement.  They just began to bark and howl.  I would sit there while they did this and think to myself, “I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want to be a dog.”  I began to associate, without knowing it, masculinity with negativity.

From a very young age I noticed my attraction for other boys.  I didn’t feel quite the same as them.  I felt inadequate and not good enough.  Around fourth grade I began to “experiment” with another boy, which lasted to eighth grade.  I couldn’t understand why I had these attractions.  After all, I was still a little kid.

Right around fifth grade my parents began to get in huge, violent arguments.  My dad had been getting online and talking to other women, telling them he wasn’t married.  My mom had exposed him and told my brother and me.  We were kind of her support through this time, which created resentment in me towards my father.  I remember very clearly sitting on the den steps listening to them argue one night in the kitchen, and I made a vowel to myself, “I’m not going to be like my father.  I hate him, and I never want to be anything he is.”  Little did I know, I had rejected my whole masculinity that night on those steps.

The next few years consisted of my dad leaving us and then coming back, over and over.  I got to the point where I was angry with my mom for actually taking him back.  I wanted him to be gone so that I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.  I thought he was a jerk and my mom deserved better.  In my eyes, my mother did no wrong, but dad did everything wrong.  While this chaos was going on, an older boy sexually molested me a few times.  No one knew and I wasn’t about to tell anyone.  I knew what was happening was wrong, but somehow it felt good because I was getting male attention.

Middle school was a nightmare that I would love to erase from my memory.  By this time, I had shut myself off to all things masculine.  I was afraid of it, I felt inadequate to it, and I wanted to be as far away from it as possible.  When we were in gym class I would sit out while the other boys played baseball or football.  Through sitting out I met another boy who had no desire to play sports.  We started a great friendship and began walking around the baseball field together.  When we began to do this people started talking about us and calling us names.  Rumors spread that we were boyfriends and shame overshadowed us. 

Everyday I went to school in fear.  I would often get sick to the stomach because I was expecting the usual harassment.  People constantly called me a fag, a fairy, or a queer.  One very painful experience happened at the bus stop one morning.  A couple of guys came up to me and asked, “Are you a faggot?”  I said no and they said, “Oh, well you look like one.”  They turned and walked away, laughing.  I wanted to cry so badly.  That remark truly made me believe that I was different from other guys.  Several people threatened to beat me up and several others threw things at me.  I kept this all to myself because I was too embarrassed to let my parents know.

I didn’t understand why all of this was happening.  I tried my hardest to deny it, and to prove people wrong.  It was to no avail.  I depended on my Christian beliefs and even a girlfriend here and there to prove my heterosexuality, but it never worked.  People could see through me.  I knew and felt that I was different.  My hormones were going crazy during this time and I was attracted to other boys, but how could everyone else see that?  Everyone knew, as well as I did, that I was different.  I wasn’t like other boys.

It was through the many fears of going to school and of people that brought me to the decision of accepting Jesus into my life in sixth grade.  I had developed a strong relationship with Him, because I believed He was the only one who cared about me.  I thought after accepting Him things would change and all the attractions and fear would go away.  I was wrong.  I still lived in fear and the attractions never subsided.  I knew that homosexuality was a sin and the Church condemned those who practiced it, so there was no way I would do that.

High school didn’t change things a bit.  People constantly asked if I was dating my best friend and the ridicule continued.  I continually used my faith and girlfriends to desperately prove my heterosexuality, and it still did not work.  People were seeing something that I was apparently missing.  At the end of my tenth grade year I really began questioning who I was.  I felt worthless, ashamed, different, and separated from my other peers.  I was depressed many times and terrified of people.  At every corner people were telling me I was different.

A tape began to play in my mind.  The names were spit back into my face and I began to ask, “Are you really what they say you are?  They all see it, and you know it’s there underneath.”  That is when I decided to get online and check out the gay chat rooms.  I immediately found love and acceptance.  It seemed like these people really cared about me and the guys were affirming me and desiring me.  They were giving me the attention I had lacked for so long.  It was addicting.

                        I continued to talk to guys and essentially “fall in love” with the gay lifestyle.  I began crying out to God asking for guidance and truth.  I asked Him if I was born this way and all I kept hearing was “Yes, yes.”  I finally accepted that answer and enmeshed myself in the lifestyle.  There was no turning back.  I finally came to terms with who I was.  I was happy in my new identity – the identity I had been stuffing down for so long.  I came out to everyone at school, and amazingly the harassment stopped.  I knew that the only thing to do now was tell my parents.

I came out to my parents and brother at Easter dinner my junior year.  My mom cried, my dad was confused, and my brother was silent.  It was the beginning of a vicious cycle.  I had to listen to them read scripture to me every night and tell me that it was a sin and I was going to Hell if I didn’t change.  As they did this, my heart became harder and harder to them and to the Christian faith.  I was finally happy with who I was and they were telling me that my identity was wrong.  I couldn’t bear that.

Having my hard heart, I didn’t care what I did with or without my parents’ permission.  I dated guys and continually lied to my parents so that I could see my boyfriend at the time.  Most of the time I was caught in my lies, but I couldn’t stop being who I was.  My parents could not take my happiness away. 

When I came out to my best friend he abandoned me.  He didn’t want to have anything to do with me and that crushed me.  His rejection of me made my rejection of the Church and Christianity final.  I thought that all Christians were hypocrites and I couldn’t be a part of that.  My heart was shut off to God at that point.

I began smoking marijuana and drinking constantly.  I was finally free, without guilt, to do whatever I pleased.  I became a huge activist in the gay community and got involved with the gay youth group downtown.  I was very militant and very open and proud of my homosexuality.  I flaunted my sexuality and my relationships in public.  I wanted everyone to accept it.  I would go boyfriend to boyfriend seeking what wasn’t satisfied in the previous one.  I was just never happy; I needed more. 

My senior year was spent lying and hiding from my parents.  I had such bitterness and anger towards them.  They had ruined a relationship because of their unacceptance.  They had caught me doing drugs and grounded me for a while.  That is one thing I was thankful for.  My pot smoking and drinking days were over.

After I graduated from high school I went to beach week with my boyfriend at the time.  We pursued our relationship without any regrets.  I was in love and happy.  However, when we came back I started thinking about college.  I was going to University of Kentucky in the fall and he had plans to follow me by going to Eastern Kentucky to be close to me.  I started thinking of all the guys at UK that I could get with and I decided I didn’t want to be tied to one person.  So I broke up with him.  Through the long process of breaking up, an awesome thing happened.

While we were talking one day, I had the sudden urge to give it all up.  I became disgusted and really asked myself, “Why are you in this?  What is here for you?”  And when I began to question that, I got an amazing craving for God.  I wanted a relationship with Him and I knew that if I wanted it I had to leave the lifestyle.  That day I decided to drop my idol and pick up my cross, again.  This was the beginning of an amazing journey of grace and redemption.

I came to UK in the fall and became a part of an Exodus ministry.  I learned so much about myself and my struggle with same sex attractions.  The whole year of being in the ministry helped me with my struggle and I began to understand my triggers and what I needed to do. 

The summer after freshman year I went to Los Angeles for the annual Exodus Conference.  That was an experience I will never forget.  It was so awesome to see hundreds of people there with the same struggle as me and who are giving it up to pursue God.  While there, we were to write down what we wanted God to do for us that week, and I put down that I wanted hope.  He gave that to me when I had the chance to hike a mountain with a couple of my friends from the ministry. 

While we were hiking, God just spoke to my heart and showed me that that hike was symbolic of my journey to healing and freedom.  There were going to be times when I would fall, but I had to get up again, and there were going to be people there to hold me.  The way would be narrow at times, but there was going to be someone there to hold my hand.  When we got to the top of the mountain, I was in utter amazement at the beauty that I could see.  At that moment, God spoke to my heart, “You see, you had to climb all the way up this mountain to see the beauty I have for you.  You couldn’t see all of this at the bottom.  You had to make your journey to the top.”  That was an amazing thing to here and truly gave me hope. 

One night when we were doing worship at the Exodus Conference, God just spoke to me: Even when my heart was cold and hard, and even when I ignored that God was there and I had given up on life with Him, He didn’t give up on me.  He was there the whole time ready and willing to take me in His arms and welcome me into His house.  He didn’t give up on me; He was there the whole time.

My sophomore year brought a great deal of healing and blessings.  I was asked to give my testimony for a group with the Baptist Campus Ministry who were starting a group for homosexual strugglers.  When I gave my testimony there I became a part of the group and a support system was immediately planted into my life.  I also met a beautiful girl there, Brittany.  God did amazing things through her.  I became very attracted to her and before I knew it, we were dating.

I had no idea what God was doing, and I was a little scared.  I thought it would be a while through my healing before I would have a girlfriend but that didn’t happen.  Through this woman, God revealed to me the beauty and the mystery of women.  I used to believe that I was just like them but God made sure He showed me otherwise.  I can say today that I don’t have a clue about women.  Brittany encouraged me to lead in the relationship and she constantly affirmed my masculinity.  It was such a healing experience for me.  We broke up so that she could grow and so I could face my most challenging task.

The big task was to begin healing in male friendships.  God was calling me to step into that area that I was so fearful of before and truly find healing and restoration.  God has been faithful every step of the way.  I began to build friendships with men who knew my struggle and who were supportive of me.  I got two accountability partners who always encourage me.  One has played a couple of sports with me and always builds me up, even when I do terrible.  There have been other opportunities to play sports that I was reluctant to do, but I did it through some nudging by my accountability.  I may have hated it at the beginning but there was healing in those situations.

At this point in my life God has blessed me with a house full of straight, Christian men who know my struggle and support me.  I have learned so much about myself and about guys in this house.  I am much more secure in my masculinity today than I was a year ago.  I’m also coming to a place where I can say that it is okay to be me.  Being secure and mounted in my masculinity has opened doors for me into the area of women.  I truly have a healthy desire for women today.  I still struggle with same sex attractions, but every day they are becoming weaker. 

My relationship with my father has grown.  I love my father and I realize now that he is just a broken man like all of us men.  His father never showed him how to be a man.  We listened to a tape by Gordon Dalbey one time about fathers and sons and he told me, “You know I never got the love and affirmation from my dad.”  He apologized for not being there for me, but he did what he thought it was to be a father, and that was to work and supply the family with food, shelter, and clothing because his father never worked and didn’t provide for his family.  My dad continues to be supportive of me and always asks how I’m doing and tells me how proud he is of me.

God has truly been working in my family.  My parents support me in everything.  They have come with me to Love Won Out conferences and they have read books on this issue.  They have realized mistakes that were made and they have apologized.  God has taught them so much.  They prayed for me fervently when I was in the lifestyle and I believe that was the key reason I was saved, and I am truly thankful for that.  My dad has even begun speaking on this issue with youth and wants to work with parents in the future.  I know God has great plans for my dad.  I am very proud of him.

God has called me into this specific ministry.  My heart pours out for those who struggle and for those who are in the lifestyle.  My desire is to let God’s truth of freedom, redemption, grace, and, above all, His love be known to everyone.  There are so many lies in this world – lies that Satan uses to shortchange us and prevent us from really receiving beauty that God has for us.  I will take any chance to share God’s love and His powerful story of grace and love written in my own life.

I have come along way in my journey.  As Isaiah 10:27 says I have been freed from bondage and the yoke of slavery to homosexuality has been lifted from my shoulders.  I realize now that there is so much involved in choices we make.  I thought that my homosexuality was just about sex, but it’s not.  I had issues with self-worth; feeling alienated from other guys, being jealous of what other guys had whether it is muscle, a lot of guy friends, or masculinity.  I had problems with feeling important; a heavy fear of rejection and the list goes on.  The point is, underneath the label of homosexual lies a soul that is hurt, scarred, and is dealing with problems outside of attractions to the same –sex.